Thursday 25 May, 2006

Biscuits are bad, okay?

Bird & Wilson, originally uploaded to Flickr.

Cute, huh?

No.

Here are the alarming events of last night (potential house minders, such as Ciannon, please note the happy ending to the story and resolution of crisis):

10.30 pm. Go to give cats their usual late night snack. Realize we have run out of their favorite cat biscuits and give them a Fancy Feast instead. (Fancy Feasts are tragically upmarket cat spoiling items).

10.35 pm. Cats eat Fancy Feast.

10.45 pm. We go to bed.

11.00 pm. Bird jumps on dresser, howls. Jumps on bed. Howls. Gets under blanket, lays there for a moment, then gets up again. Drinks water from the glass beside my bed. Virginia gets up to calm her.

11.15 pm. Wilson jumps on dresser, howls. Jumps on bed. Howls. Gets under blanket, lays there for a moment, then gets up again. Drinks water from the glass beside my bed. Virginia gets up to calm him.

Repeat, every fifteen minutes for next 1.5 hours.

1.00am. Virginia starts to lose her mind. Her cough becomes worse. It looks as if the cats might succeed in killing her. Sophie locks cats in sitting room. They howl for next half an hour.

1.30 am. Virginia has now gone mad and is officially ill. Sophie is in a rage. Feeds cats for Fancy Feast, in a novel twist to the Methodone program. Lies on couch with one cat on feet, other on chest, for 4 hours.

5.30 am. Bird wakes exhausted mistress by biting her toes. Wilson gets up onto television, leans against the painting above it and scratches his claws down glass on painting for 15 minutes or so.

6.00 am. Wilson goes to Virginia. Bird comes back to me.

9.30 am. Wake up. Have missed all alarms.

11.00 am. Go to Victoria Market and buy cat's favorite biscuits.

12.00 pm. Grind up cats biscuits and inject directly into cats' veins. Calm descends. Sophie begins work on a script called Catty, in which two cats are bonded by addiction to dry food.

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