I watched an entirie week of Reality TV - and survived

This article was first published in the Age on February 28, 2004

Here's the concept: one TV reviewer; one wide screen TV; one week. Ask her to watch every Reality Television show that's going to air between Sunday February 15 and Friday February 20. That's nineteen shows and 21 1/2 hours. Her prize: a deeper understanding of the rich and complex culture in which we live. The danger: she'll go insane.

I will learn, in the long hours ahead, that in Reality TV there is the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. The Good is fun and highly engaging. The Bad is boring. The Ugly is ethically challenging. (Is it legal to actually cut people up with scalpels for TV entertainment? Is the notion of privacy obsolete?)

It's time to brush up on my video taping prowess and find the blank tapes. It's time to thank God that you can see the TV from my kitchen, which will allow for multi tasking. It's time to put on the kind of tracksuit pants that could mean my friends will dob me into What Not to Wear. I get out a bottle of wine (there will be several) and sit down on my couch with it's Indian throw and cat hair, despite the fact this kind of decor would make the Queer Eye guys weep, and I pick up my remote control.

SUNDAY First up is American Idol (6.30 pm, Sunday, channel 10) Big Daddy of the highest rating reality show ever Australian Idol, in which people sing in front of judges and are praised or humiliated. Ultimately, though it is the audience who decides the winner and vote by SMS. I love it. Go Fantasia. I only lose enthusiasm when we learn who has won this evening because this moment is drawn out beyond belief. As I will come to see in the next few days, this fetishisaton of rejection is the central moment in many of these shows.

My Restaurant Rules (Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday, 7.30pm, Channel 7) is focused on five couples that will design, renovate and launch their own restaurants. There are no elimination politics; instead we can judge for ourselves who is lagging and who's looking like a winner. There is a lot of talk of planning permits and banks and the couples for the most part seem clueless about food, which is a shame because it is the foodie element that I could have got interested in. Curtis Stone hasn't proved himself as the host yet, and the host, I will come to learn, can make all the difference. Where would Big Brother be without Gretel Killeen?

Next up is The Hothouse (8.00pm). Channel 10 has invested much money and 6 time slots a week in this show (The Hothouse also screens at 7.00pm from Monday to Friday). It's really boring. Have you ever been at a dinner party where people talked endlessly about their renovations? Well that's The Hothouse. As other critics have noted it has too many characters to attempt to engage with (14 couples) and the range and choice of contestants is bland and disappointing. There is a generally hostile vibe but no meaningful tension.

MONDAY On Monday night I watched. Punk'd (7.30pm) starring Ashton Kucher. This is a kind of rock 'n roll funked up version of Candid Camera in which famous people have weird things done to them so we can watch their reactions. Like Tommy Lee being in a car which hits and injures a woman and then for him to be descended on by paparazzi. He sums up the whole reality genre in a few pithy words: 'Dude I feel like I'm in a fucking Fellini movie. This is retarded.'

Newlyweds, which follows it at 8.00pm, is woeful. Popstar Jessica Simpson gets married to Mark Lachey, also a singer. She tries to do the LA Princess act we get from Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie later in the week but she's not nearly as charismatic as those two. Give me The Simple Life (Tuesday, Channel 7, 7.30pm) any day.

At 8.30pm is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Monday, Channel 10), which is one of the stars of the genre. Its fab five gay hosts tease the straight guys they are making over rather than humiliate them. It's just terrific.

Monday night ends with Paradise Hotel (10.45pm, Channel 9). The breasts on this programme are particularly large. There are 6 girls, 5 boys and, in a biblical allusion turned on its head, they have to hook up with someone or they get kicked out of paradise. This show has, appropriately, a soft porn aesthetic. Glitzy sets and grainy low light action. I was particularly impressed with the manoeuvre of one contestant, who, when she saw the disappointment on the face of the boy she 'chooses', goes for the groin and offers him sex. He cheers up.

TUESDAY Tuesday is kicked off by The Simple Life and Survivor: All-Stars (Channel 9, 7.30pm, Tuesday). The Simple Life is good comedy and the folk of town on which the rich girls descend can fend for themselves. Survivor is the Mother of all reality shows and the one that most Reality TV enthusiasts swear by. It's tough and brutal. The contestants fend for themselves on an island, do real things, and face real challenges. They are physically strong. I asked a friend to tell me why it works and said, 'Survivor lasts the distance because of its mix of young, old, pretty, gross, and nutcases, the challenges, the regular elimination.'

Both eliminations I watch are unexpectedly moving. Jenna 'self eliminates' because her mother is dying of cancer. Another night 75-year-old Rudi is voted out - he has survived Vietnam but not, it seems the All Stars. His take on reality shows is a cautionary tale for all potential Reality contestants: 'Putting up with the people is the survival part, not the elements.' At 11.00pm (Channel 7) is Who Wants to Marry My Dad? I only learn this show exists after I have missed it. Praise the lord.

WEDNESDAY On Wednesday The Resort throws a dozen kids together to renovate and run a resort on Fiji. The cast are very young and the show is an ode to extroversion. The strong silent type? Might as well piss off now. Jon Stevens makes a wooden uncomfortable host, which doesn't help. Jamie Dury, where are you?

My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé is about a woman who has to pretend to her parents that she is going to marry a really fat unattractive guy. If her deceit is successful she wins $500,000 (US). Unwatchable.

THURSDAY Thursday is D. Day: five and a half hours of Reality. More Hot House, I and Survivor. Also Average Joe, which is like The Bachelorette except the guys are ugly or nerds or both. What makes it interesting is that they are vulnerable. Melana (former Miss Missouri and NFL cheerleader) the object of their affections is diplomatic and sweet. When she has to eliminate some of the guys things get genuinely emotional. At 9.30pm you can choose between What Not to Wear (Channel 7) and Extreme Makeover (9.30pm). The former works in the weeks when the victims resist the relentless middle-classization inflicted upon them by Trinny and Susannah. Extreme Makeover is detestable. I have had arguments with several people about this show. They all talk about the teeth - the point being that those made over get the chance to have good dental work. I am sorry, but Reality TV is no substitute for a health care system. And how many of those who appear on the show can actually afford to maintain blonde tips, gym memberships and expensive clothing? The plastic surgery makes people look creepy.

FRIDAY It's Friday and I'm a mess. Even SBS is getting in on the game with Master and Servant (7.30pm). If you are fascinated by the British class system (I'm not) this show could work for you. To contradict myself, What Not to Wear Australia (Channel 7, 8.15pm) is a slavish copy of the English version but with less class stuff, and that's why the show doesn't work. Certainly it fails to ignite any of aspirational feelings. Who wants to watch someone go to Witchery and Country Road?

One of the most interesting things about Reality TV is its emphasis on relationship. It is no coincidence that the genre has flourished at the same time as the rise in single person households. Many of these shows - think back to the very first Big Brother - involve a huge investment of hours. Viewers subscribe to a no pain no gain theory of viewing. The show is often slow, much as hanging out with friends can be. People come to conclusions about who they do or don't like, as you would with any group of friends. In some ways these shows are a bit like living in a group household. They provide company and chat. People congregate to watch them and yell enthusiastically both at the TV and each other. People can't, and as there ratings are making clear, wont, set that time aside for half a dozen (let alone two dozen) shows. It's about commitment.

Here's what the shows that work have: a strong host, an element of competition, suspense, and an original idea (The Block was much more dynamic than it's many mutant offspring and it deserved its high ratings). The single most important element is a good and varied selection of contestants. Shows that pitch themselves at one audience only (young, for example) often end up with no audience at all. It's also important not to overdo it with the numbers. The larger the group, the thinner the love. And last, but definitely not least. Let's not forget the elimination element. Who is to be kicked out and who is to stay provides a tension, a kind of exciting brutality, that conventional dramas just don't have.

When my challenge is over I go back to my work a day life. I consider my wardrobe and getting renovations. I pick fights with people just to give life that little edge and I suggest to my partner that we become swingers. I fantasise about money and tropical islands. My real life? It just doesn't cut it any more.

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