7th Heaven

This article first appeared in the Age on January 3, 2004

Some of you have thought, I'm sure, that the life of a television columnist is a kind of heaven. And sometime it is. Then there are the weeks when you try and acquaint yourself with Warner Brother's highest rating television show, 7th Heaven, (Channel 10, 6.30pm, Saturday night) and you start to experience a level of high irritation similar to that a dripping tap can produce. But instead of 'drip drip drip' it is phrases like 'family family family', 'God God God' and 'I love you' x 3 that drive you to the point of insanity.

7th Heaven is, and I quote, 'a critically acclaimed family drama about a minister, his wife and their seven children.' Aaron Spelling is the executive producer, but this aint no Melrose Place. The series is in its eighth year and has received honors from, among others, the Parents Television Council, Academy of Religious Broadcasting and the Family Friendly Forum Awards.

Yep, that's right folks, this is a FAMILY show. There is nothing here that will offend - other than bad acting; the suggestion that a minister can bring up a family of 7 in upper-middleclass style on one wage; twin cute Christian munchkins; and the belief that 'family' means everyone sticking their nose into everyone else's business all the time. It is, for example, reasonable that Lucy Camden, the 21 year old daughter who is studying to be a minister like Daddy, asks her fiancé, the square jawed 25 year old policeman Kevin, whether he's ever been with another woman: every 10 minutes for the 3 hours I watched. (The answer to that question, believe me Kevin, is meant to be 'no').

My favourite character was Mary, who got about 2 minutes screen time because she ran away to escape her family's endless meddling. Her crime was to date a man 20 years older than her, an act that drives her father, Eric Camden, to say, 'I hope when you're kissing him you think of kissing your father'. While the show is self aware enough to have Eric say 'that came out wrong' the point remains that these family values shows often have an edge to them that is kind of weird.

Simon is in trouble because girls pay him to go on dates. This is amusing until he, and we, have to endure the homilies about why this is wrong. In last week's episode he helped one school friend take her baby to hospital for adoption. This was moving except that it also felt like an episode that could have been sponsored by Right to Life - for this 14-year-old girl abortion is never an option.

Tonight, the fun just keeps on rolling, when Eric takes the family bowling and tells them he loves them. Again.The show tries to make itself hip by having teenagers say things like 'the word on the street is', but there is no street. Just an endless wasteland of suburban lawns and an oppressive atmosphere as sickly sweet as fairy floss.

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