I don't give a f*** what I look like

After watching several of this summer's shows I've felt inspired to come up with a script treatment for my own reality show. My inspiration is shows that have no self-doubt, such as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Channel 10, Monday, 8.30pm), What Not to Wear, (Friday, Channel 7, 8.00pm) and Extreme Makeover (Tuesday, Channel 9, 8.30pm).

My show will be called I don't give a f* what I look like. Contestants will be encouraged to bring out their inner dag. If their tracksuits are black and slightly flared, the Makeover Artiste may suggest pastel, with elasticised bottoms. If someone's hair is soft and stylish, a la David Beckham, we might suggest they forgo the soft hawk for the full mullet. If a woman is tempted to spend $200 on blonde streaks, we will suggest she buys some dance cds, go to the movies, and buy some comfortable flat-heeled shoes. If someone is drinking light beer because they are watching their weight, we will remind them of the fulsome flavour of more calorie laden beers. Each week there will be a guest 'Artiste'. They will include Sharon (of Kath & Kim fame), Dave Hughes, Amanda Vandstone, Shane Warne, and, when he's in town, David Attenborough.

Okay, Queer Eye is very fun. The UK's What Not to Wear is more dubious, utilising shame and humiliation as its main weapon. The nominated candidate is filmed unawares before they have agreed to be on the show, which seemed illegal to me. They are then insulted by two cruel-to-be-kind fashion journalists. At least, though, the victim comes up well after spending two thousand pounds on clothes, professional hair and makeup work.

Extreme Makeover is more hardcore. Each week two people are totally remodelled by a team that includes plastic surgeons, eye surgeons and cosmetic dentists. This show made me so sad I cried. I was overwhelmed by the absolute lack of self worth of the contestants and the pain they put themselves through. And, frankly, the results are bad. Last week the man ended up looking like a TV evangelist and the woman looked like a d-grade Hollywood starlet.

Beyond Bronte hosted by Ray Martin. (Tomorrow, Channel 9 7.30pm) is a moving special that presents us with the logical conclusion of the kind of distorted body image and self-hatred that Extreme Makeover celebrates. Bronte Cullis and her family have been fighting Bronte's anorexia nervosa for 7 years and have now set up a centre in Brisbane to use their experiences to help others overcome this illness. It's powerful stuff.

If you feel the need to laugh instead, check out the new sitcom Two Guys and a Girl (Channel 10, tomorrow, 8.00pm). (Well, new to us. These episodes were filmed in Boston in 1998). It feels a bit like Cheers or Becker for a younger audience. It's formulaic, but it's very funny. Perfect for watching in the aforementioned pastel trackie on a Sunday night.

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