The column I wrote that got me sent homophobic mail

This article first appeared in the Age on April 3, 2004

In my never-ending search for thematic resonance, I have decided, this week, to concentrate on breasts and lesbians. I felt confident both would be found in The L Word (Channel 7, 9.30pm, Wednesday),which premiered last week. As an L word myself I felt a thrill of excitement that my life was finally going to be represented on TV. My partner and I skipped to the couch happily, holding hands, just waiting to see our lifestyle revealed. And yes, all the facts are there. Every L word is thin, drop dead gorgeous and wealthy and they while away sunny West Hollywood days sitting in a coffee shop talking about 'bush confidence' (you figure it out - it took me a while) and sperm: how to get it, whether the swimmers are fast or slow, who's the best looking guy whose offering it so it would be fun to have sex with him as you were trying for it. Such a wonderfully female focused show. Then there was the sex in bathrooms and swimming pools at all times of the day and night. Not to mention all the gorgeous thin straight girls who really want to be L words themselves which means they have to have lots of sex with gorgeous men and women because they are so confused.

All the breasts on The L Word are small. Fellini's preference was for large breasts. The Magic of Fellini (ABC, 2.00pm, Sunday) explores Fellini's dreams, creative visions and eccentricities and made me want to run and see all his movies again. The program includes many clips from Fellini's films, archival footage of him and his collaborators discussing their work, and terrific interviews with actors and film-makers like Claudia Cardinale (who still looks extraordinary), Donald Sutherland, and Martin Scorsese. It also boasts the last interview with Anthony Quinn: 'When you walked into a set of a Fellini moive you walked into life.' For me, the loveliest moment was when Fellini described walking along the street one day and having a cadillaic pull up beside him. In the cadillac is a woman with a gold metal nose and a monkey on her lap. 'Are you Fellini?' she demands. He nods. 'So,' she asks. 'Why are there no normal people in your films?'

Charlie Sheen's new sit com, Two and a Half Men premiered last week (Channel 9, 8.00pm, Mondays) and does, excitingly, have an L word in it. Clearly they are in fashion. Sheen plays Charlie Harper, a jingle writer, whose playboy lifestyle comes to an abrupt halt when his brother Alan (Jon Cryer) arrives with his 10-year old son Jake (Angus T. Jones). They are looking for a place to stay after being tossed out of home by his wife Judith (Marian Hinkle) who has became a lesbian. On first viewing it's a totally predictable show and the laughs are few and far between. Charlie is no Martin and L words, on current evidence, are no guarantee of good TV.

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